Diary Entry: The Exhaustion of the Mask

My face literally hurts today 🤕. It physically aches from smiling at people I wanted to scream at 🤬. The mask I wear every day is getting so heavy I can barely keep my head up 🎭. I work in an environment where 'positive vibes only' is the unofficial religion ⛪. It is a toxic, suffocating culture ☣️. If you show even a hint of frustration, you are labeled 'not a team player' 🚩. So, I swallow my anger 💊. I choke down my stress 🤢. I paste on a cheerful grin and type 'Happy Friday!' with so much resentment I am surprised my keyboard doesn't catch fire 🔥. It is a total performance, and I deserve an Oscar for it 🏆. But the toll it takes on my mental health is devastating 🌪️.I had a client yell at me over the phone today for something that was entirely their fault 📞. My blood was boiling 🩸. Every fiber of my being wanted to tell them exactly how stupid they were being 🗣️. But I couldn't 🚫. I used my 'customer service voice' 🎙️. Soft, accommodating, sickeningly sweet 🍯. 'I completely understand your frustration, let me fix that for you right away!' I said, while giving the middle finger to my monitor 🖕💻. The disconnect between my external actions and my internal rage makes me feel nauseous 🤢. I am abandoning my own truth just to keep the peace for someone who disrespects me 🕊️. It is cowardly, and I hate myself for it 🗡️. I am a people-pleaser to my core, and it is ruining my life 🧱.When I finally logged off, I just collapsed on the floor 🕳️. Not the bed, the hard wooden floor 🪵. I didn't have the energy to make it to the bedroom 🛌. I lay there and let the mask completely shatter 🔨. I cried 😭. Not pretty, delicate tears. Ugly, snotty, hyperventilating tears 🌊. It was years of repressed anger and exhaustion finally spilling over 🫙. I am so deeply tired of being accommodating 🛋️. I am tired of shrinking myself so others feel big 📉. I don't want to be the polite, easy-going girl anymore 🙅‍♀️. I want to be difficult 🚧. I want to be prickly 🌵. I want to say 'No' and watch people squirm 🛑. Tonight, I am letting the anger burn 🔥. It is hot, it is messy, but it is real 🌋. And real is exactly what I need right now 🎯.